We’ll start by saying “Don’t cheat on your wife! You made a vow!” And with that said, here are 5 fool proof ways to do it!
1. Don’t Google “5 Ways to Cheat on your Wife”: Instead use Bing. 99.9% of women have never heard of Bing – that’s a fact! And if you’ve never heard of this shitty Microsoft search engine then you’re already off to a great start!
2. If you have sex with someone other than your wife, make sure that it’s somebody else’s wife: This is the technicality God doesn’t want you to know about. Think about it – You’ll be two married people having consensual sex the way He intended!
3. Be HONEST: You promised to never keep secrets on your wedding day. So don’t! Tell her you’re having an affair tonight…with her best friend. Your wife has always assumed you hated Susan because she’s an annoying b*&%! She’ll be so happy to know that you actually approve of all her besties by sleeping with them!
4. STOP! Before you do anything, send naked pictures of your wife to firstname.lastname@example.org: Our highly trained staff will analyze her photo and find someone who is her exact opposite for you to have an affair with. Also send us nude pics of the other girl so we can see how we did!
5. Give up. Let’s face it. You’ll never find anyone better. And that’s what makes a marriage last long: Giving up!
The author is a divorcee who enjoys singles nights at the YMCA.