Castro Valley, CA – A 67-year-old woman was repeatedly punched in the head by a 21-year-old Amazon delivery woman this past week according to released security footage. Amazon was quick to react and make some much needed changes so that this never happens again.
“Not only have we told our drivers NOT to smack people, but we also added an option for our customers,” the president of Amazon, Jeff Bezos, said at a recent press conference. “Customers will now have the ability to choose Don’t give me an old fashioned beat down at checkout-” he added, “-we’re still spitballing some of the wording.”
The security footage shows the attack but does not contain any audio. “We don’t know what was said. Maybe this lady was asking for it, like some sort of sick fetish. Did she provoke it? Was she wearing a short skirt?” Bezos screamed, “These are questions that need answers people!” He then laughed and referenced his upcoming space flight, “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a rocket to catch!” His attempt at humor drew stunned silence from the pool of reporters.
“Just keep in mind if you don’t select this new option, the driver has the option to lean back and drop a hammer slap if you look at them sideways. It’s about accountability people.” Bezos said in a serious tone trying to get back on track before going off on another tangent, “Hey, by the way, how bout some props for hiring woman drivers? Do you have any idea how much money we lose on these broads? Because of all the parallel parking it takes them twice as long to deliver packages!”
Bezos then shot an imaginary basketball and yelled, “Three pointer from downtown!” as he sauntered out of the press conference.