Washington, DC – President Joe Biden’s recent push to enlist volunteers, including local doctors and faith leaders, to go “literally knocking on doors” to provide information about the Covid vaccine has just added a new position; Blowgun Sharpshooters.
“Listen man, talk is cheap and we gotta ensure everyone’s getting the darn thing. The vacuum. Not the vacuum. You know the thing!” A perpetually confused Biden incoherently said at a recent press conference. “Here’s how it works. Someone knocks on your door and runs away. Then a colored fella, I mean a people of colored fella, sittin’ 50 yards away hits you with one of them blow doohickies!”
“The people the president is referring to are the beautiful Guianas Tribe of South America who are expert dart blowers.” Press Secretary Jen Psaki interjected while attempting to take over the meeting.
“You open the door get shot with a dart, man. Boom. Vaccinated! What’s the problem?!” Biden excitedly yelled from behind. As Biden was carted away Psaki continued by taking a few pre-planned questions.
“These proud natives come from an ancient tribe so they sometimes struggle with the language barrier and dart accuracy.” Psaki responded when asked about the issues they’ve had during the trial run. Her response was, no doubt, in reference to the leaked reports of an elderly man who received several darts to the groin which accidentally contained real poison instead of the vaccine.
Sources close to the training overhead the Guiana sharpshooter saying, “Whoopsie” immediately after.
“We’re also doing a blanket canvas of various Bible belt neighborhoods. If we see a person wearing a MAGA hat our team has the green light to start blowing.” Psaki added as the meeting wrapped up.