Sacramento, CA – As a storm delivers unprecedented rain and snow to California, Governor Gavin Newsom has proactively implemented a State-Wide Jacket Mandate for all citizens. Temperatures, which are normally in the 60s this time of year, have recently dipped into the 50s and 40s, according to the National Weather Service which has raised concerns for the governor.
“Nobody likes to be chilly.” Newsom announced at a press conference whilst wearing a big puffy jacket. “Our goal is to follow the science, and all scientist agree if you don’t wear a jacket when it’s cold then you are more likely to catch a case of the shivers.”
“Toxic masculinity is also a big part of the problem.” Newsom noted. “Because it’s mostly men who think they can tough it out without a jacket! Our hospitals beds are now overwhelmed with men begging for hot cocoa and a scarf to overcome their goosebumps. How is this fair to those of us that follow the rules?”
“Windbreakers, parkas, hoodies are all acceptable forms of warmth which must be worn indoors and outdoors.” Dr. Tomás Aragón, the director of the Ca. Dept. of Public Health, explained. “You may only remove your jacket if you are actively eating or drinking. But you must put it back on as soon as you swallow.”
“We will be cracking down on those that roll up their sleeves or do that douchebag off-the-shoulder thing.” Newsom remarked before ending the conference. “As of now, we’re not mandating wool socks to keep your tootsies warm but it’s not off the table!”
The governor then refused to take any questions about newly surfaced photos that show him dining jacket-less wearing nothing but a tank top and hot shorts at an upscale restaurant called The French Laundry.
