Tokyo, Japan – In yet another remarkable story of determination and grit the women’s U.S. Olympics weightlifting team has added Mike Herbert to their roster this summer. Herbert, a former man now current crane-operating-trans-athlete, has his eyes set on “totally dominating” the Tokyo Games.
“I’m super stoked to be a part of the team.” Herbert said to a group of reporters outside Herbert & Sons construction in Tulsa, Oklahoma. “I was checking out the weightlifting records and realized my crane can lift, like, four times as much! That’s when I decided to live my truth” She added when asked how it all came together.
“Ever since I was a baby playing with Tonka trucks I knew I was different. I knew deep down that I wasn’t a baby, I was a 4-ton Champion mini crawler crane.” Herbert said as he grunted around like Tim Allen from Home Improvement. “Arurgh aurgh aurgh!!”
A few weightlifters who voiced slight concern over this decision were immediately shut down by the media for their bigotry and hatred.
“Man, I’m going to set so many records. In 4 years I think I’ll identify as speed boat! I’m coming for you Michael Phelps!” Herbert chortled.
Nike has already said they’re ready to endorse him if he’d consider identifying as Chinese.