Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented step forward the Los Angeles Police department has decided to replace their entire departments firearms with Tee Shirt Cannons purchased from Fun-O-Matic Party Supplies.
“People want common sense police reform and we believe this is the next logical step,” police chief Michel Moore stated at a recent press conference. “We want to show the citizens that we’re listening to them. The tee shirt guns will not only be a deterrent to those committing crimes, but when we’re not shooting at bad guys we will have our police force randomly spray the homeless with shirt bullets to provide clothing for all.”
“What about pants?!” One reporter shouted from the back. “And socks and underwear? These people have dignity!” Chief Moore assured the reporter that they are currently looking into other kinds of “apparel firing apparatuses” but at this time they’ll only be firing shirts.
“Won’t criminals just commit more crimes to get a free shirt?” another reporter asked. “We’ve partnered with Disney so the shirts are Captain Marvel tees they couldn’t sell which I assure you, nobody wants.” Moore responded to the nodding reporters.
“Bottom line,” Moore added, “The best way to remove guns from our streets is to first remove them from the police force and foster a loving and fun environment for criminals.”
Moore finished the press conference on a positive note, “This is just the beginning of non-violence. In the next few months we’ll be replacing Pepper Spray with Silly String.”