Seattle, WA- The modern day hipster is all about “the ironic”. Living in the “not so distant past”. The modern hipster loves his civil-war-area-beard, faux nerd glasses, and the fun of going blind from a friend’s homebrew beer.
The next generation of Hipsters think that the “indie/alternative music” and “easy to acquire thrift store clothes” you own, are LAME. “Today’s hipster isn’t going back far enough to be on fleek”, said some douchebag at an organic grocery store, named Josh.
That’s why the next generation of Hipsters have opted for the “Cavester Look”.
You might remember when in late 2014 hipsters attempted to be “ironically older” with the Amishster phase. Sadly the Amish straw hats and Shenandoah beards did not last long after so many “homemade churned butter” related deaths.
This new breed of Hipster doesn’t want to look like your great grandfather. They want to look like your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. The look of the CAVE-MAN. The loincloth has never look so good ($129.99 at American Apparel)!
WANT TO FIT IN WITH THE ‘NEW’ HIPSTERS?
We’re here to walk you through the steps of transitioning from HIPSTER, to CAVESTER, keep these following tips in mind.
- You’re old timey drink served in a mason jar is OUT. When at the Bar, only order “Paleo-Drinks”. This means your alcoholic beverage should only be derived from old- rotting fruit, grown in organic soil and served in an old monkey skull. Trust us, your bartender will be super happy to hear you ask all of these questions!
- Throw out the bow ties and curly moustaches. Your new Cavester look is about going all natural. Authentic animal skins and unkempt beard. Remember, this movement came from a hipster birth, so those animal skins need to be taken HUMANELY from the live animal. So, make sure they were shot in the back of the head with a silencer. Humanley.
- You used to like classic TV. Now you’re all about Hieroglyphics! Sometimes classic TV writers would spend DAYS throwing shit at the walls to come up with a good script. Well, now you get to look at ACTUAL shit thrown on the walls!
- You don’t have to listen to Huey Lewis and the News to be ironic anymore. (Although you should, because he’s still awesome.) You’re going to love the new Cavester music, like “Angry Rain Chant II”by TROG and, “The-Power-of-Rock-Tied-to-Stick-Hitting-Cave-Lady-on-Head-Love”, on your car stereo.
- Get Rid of Your Vintage Tobacco-Pipe. Want to set something on fire? Be a true Caveman! Try a virgin! Remember, you’re a CAVESTER now, and it’s all about sacrificing those virgins. Good luck finding one!