U.S.A. – As the world faces an ongoing baby formula shortage, large breasted women across the country are being harassed by newborns looking to quench their thirst in search of sweet hooter milk. The crime wave also shows a dramatic increase of insatiable infants randomly attacking sweater-melons without consent whilst attempting to tap the rockies.
“I was walking out of a CVS when a gang of hangry babies in ski-masks accosted my jiggle-twins.” A woman with gargantuan gazoombas sobbed. “That’s the last time I leave the house without a sports bra covering my floppy milk-jugglers.”
Millions of corn-fed busty broads across the country are reportedly covering up their bosomy chesticles in fear of being attacked by ravenous tots looking to get their next fix of nipple-nectar.
“I won’t leave the house without hiding my wompa-wompas or what my husband calls, my Mario and Luigi’s.” Another woman with luscious lactaters confided. “My mammary-matukas are in constant danger.”
The White House is attempting to alleviate the shortage by cutting the bureaucratic red-tape on infant formula in order to protect sweater stretchers, squeezable sharmins and badankahonks of all shapes and sizes.
In other news this report was written by a giggling 12-year-old boy.