Columbus, OH – Amid growing concerns from stockholders, Victoria’s Secret has made another big change to their website and replaced all their “Angel” models with an animated mascot from 1997.
“In the past we hired sexy women to model sexy lingerie. We now realize how this narrowly reinforced unattainable beauty standards because ugly people wear underwear too.” Martin Waters, CEO of Branding said at a recent press conference.
“We tried everything to appeal to the woke masses on Twitter. We forced our current models to eat more. We hired fat Angels. We hired a lesbian.” An exasperated Waters said, referring to their recent hiring of soccer player Megan Rapinoe as a spokesperson. “I honestly don’t know what will make you happy. We just want to sell panties! And with that…meet our new Angel!”
Waters flipped on a Powerpoint running Windows ’97 as a hastily animated paperclip with googly-eyes popped on the screen. “Say hi to Clippy! He’s helpful, intuitive and everyone loves his paperclip body. Can’t complain about that!”
“You’re replacing me with that thing!?” Former Angel Model, Adriana Lima cried from the back. “I’m broke! I can’t even afford a meal to throw-up!”
The press conference was brought to a halt when the adorable mascot, Clippy, asked, “Looks like you’re writing a letter. Do you need help?”
Waters attempted to click out of the prompt but the old computer got stuck in a loop as everyone remembered how much they hated Clippy’s smug assumptions. “Clippy ruins everything!” One reporter yelled. “Stop the insanity!” Another one added.
At the time of this report Twitter had already dug up some of Clippy’s old problematic Tweets.