Inglewood, CA – Russ Simons, the head of operations at SoFi stadium, announced at a press conference that in order to ensure the safety of attendees at Superbowl LVI, they will require proof of vaccination for every single fan that decides to brawl after the game.
“People show up to games for two reasons: To have fun and to beat the crap out of each other in the parking lot.” Simons explained. “We just want to be sure they’re protected against the real killer, COVID-19.”
“So before you knock the teeth in of some trash-talking, sore-loser,” Russ continued. “Security will be on-hand to quickly check your vaxx status. Then you can be on your way to ripping the extensions out of some stupid b$%@& that looked at you funny. We simply can’t afford to clog up the local hospitals with concussed and comatose fans that are unvaccinated.”
Simons closed out the presser with some advice: “If you’re about to give some turd-face a curb job and you notice the poor chumps mask has slipped off, please allow them to pull up their mask up before you crush their skull with your Nike Cortez. It’s the least you can do to protect yourselves and stay healthy.”
