Washington, D.C. – “Did I eat breakfast?” President Joe Biden solemnly asked during his 9/11 commemorative speech before recalling what he was doing on this tragic day, 21 years ago. “Oh, I remember man. May 5th. Cinco De Mayo. I had Cream of Wheat. You know the stuff. With that clean-cut articulate fella on the box. Bojack Horseman! Delicious.”
Biden also touched on the importance of our nation coming together during these difficult times: “I remember my years in Scranton, as a young girl,” the POTUS stammered, “not a young girl. A boy, man. I know the damn thing!”
The Commander-In-Chief then invoked the duty of all Americans to protect democracy: “Where’s my pants?” The ceremony ended with the President doing a meet-and-greet with veterans and whiff-and-sniff of their children’s hair.