Tallahassee, FL – Now that Florida has passed the Parental Rights in Education bill, which would potentially ban kindergarten teachers from providing instruction on sexual orientation, it is facing severe push back from toddlers who claim they won’t be able to let their, “freak flags fly.”
“Look man, we just want to live our truth.” 4-and-3/4- year-old Clayton Johnson explained whilst shoving a handful of wet graham crackers in his mouth. “We demand equality! Uh, oh. I made boom-boom.”
“The adults are stifling my right to expression,” another toddler screamed while being told to stop eating glue. “I identify as a non-binary, gender fluid crayon who has a fetish for PB&J sandwiches with the crusts cut off!”
Proponents have made it clear that the bill simply allows parents to have the right to know what their children are being taught in school. But the opposition think parents should stay out of the classroom and respect the privacy of teachers to discuss sex and gender topics in between finger-painting and kickball.
“I want to learn my ABC’s.” Deidre Swanson announced right before her afternoon nap. “But I also want to learn my LGBTQ’s! It’s my right because I’m this many!”, She added while holding up four fingers. “And while we’re at it…I also demand a pink pony!”
The toddlers are planning a walk-out as soon as Roger gets out of ‘time-out’ for pulling Susie’s ponytail at recess.