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Ukraine Invasion Ends After Little Caesars Pizza Threatens To Open Up Restaurants In Russia

Detroit, MI – After McDonald’s, Starbucks and Coca-Cola closed down Russian operations in response to their invasion of Ukraine, sub-par pizza chain Little Caesars has taken it a step further and threatened to open up thousands of restaurants if the war continues.

Upon hearing the news Russia immediately withdrew all troops and is currently drafting a peace treaty. “We must stop this disgusting scourge of barely edible cardboard pie across our motherland!” Russian army General Valery Gerasimov pleaded.

“Heed our warning Russia!” Little Caesars CEO David Scrivano snapped back on Twitter. “We can open up one hundred Little Caesars in the time it takes McDonald’s to close down one store. That’s why we call it Hot-N-Ready, b&*%!”

Golden Corral and Arby’s have taken note and promised to do the same if Russia doesn’t cease operations. Subway Sandwiches went a step further stating, not only will they open up a restaurant in Russia, but they are sending former pedophile spokesman, Jared Fogle, to be the regional manager.

Netflix has also announced they halted business in the country and are only streaming the Ashton Kutcher episodes of ‘Two and a Half Men’ as punishment.

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