Washington, D.C. – As growing concern over what classified information Donald Trump might have at his home in Mar-O-Largo, the White House has assured Americans that President Biden will never leak top secret information due to his early onset Alzheimer’s and rapidly increasing dementia.
“Unlike Trump, you can trust President Biden with secrets.” Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre explained, “He can’t remember to pull his pants down before he poops, so rest assured he’s already forgotten the nuclear codes.”
The White House then dragged out Biden to prove their point. “There’s no ice cream in here?” Biden said as he entered the press briefing room.
“Sir, I am the press secretary.” Jean-Pierre calmly said to a befuddled Biden before asking, “Who am I?”
“You’re Vice President Kambucha Harpo, man. C’mon! I know the thing. I wrote the damn bill!” He screamed to a room full of quelled journalists.
Jean-Pierre closed the presser by giving out the warning that anyone who criticizes the administration will be accused of ableism and agism against Biden or racism and sexism against her.