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Garcetti: “I Have 0% Chance Of Infection When Removing My Mask Because As A Lizard Person I Can Hold My Breath For Hours”

Los Angeles, CA – L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti pushed back at those who criticized him for removing his mask to take a photo with Magic Johnson at the Rams game at SoFi Stadium last Sunday.

“I was never in danger of catching COVID-19, which we all know is only transmitted through breathe,” Garcetti explained at a presser. “When Magic Johnson asked for a photo I held my breath. When I ate nacho’s and enjoyed a Modelo I held my breath. Right now, during this entire conference I’ve been holding my breath.” Garcetti’s voice then got deeper as he added. “I can hold it for hours because I am a lizard person who enjoys the taste of human flesh.”

Garcetti was referring to the Reptilian Conspiracy Theory in which people believe that shapeshifting lizard humanoids are actually running our country. Garcetti then transformed into a bearded dragon and slithered around the podium.

His handlers attempted to get a handle on the situation but the skittish Garcetti became frightened, shedded his tail and escaped into some nearby thicket.

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