Manhattan, NY – An independent study commissioned by the NFL has just released a scathing report showing that there still is a minority of coaches in the NFL that use whips and/or chains.
“This is a sad day for professional sports.” NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, somberly said at a news conference. “This proves that Colin Kaepernick was right when he compared the NFL to slavery.”
Goodell then outlined the ways that the NFL is going to remove anything and everything related to serfdom.
“We’re no longer calling it spiking the ball as that can remind people of the railroad workers who where forced to use spikes to lay the train tracks across this racists nation.” He continued. “We will now say, throw the ball really hard to the ground, which, I believe rolls off the tongue a lot easier.”
“We will no longer allow players to refer to it as a locker room, since the word lock reminds people of how we locked up minorities. We will now say, that room where players get changed.”
“Lastly, we plan on dismantling the racist pay-scale the players are forced into.” Goodell concluded. “From now they will earn minimum wage, just like the majority of hard working Americans!”
As of this report Rodger Goodell was being cancelled for not taking a knee during the press conference.
