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Biden Mandates Every Restaurant Must Offer Early Bird Specials So He Can Be In Bed By 6pm

Washington, D.C. – In a mighty stroke of his crayon President Joe Biden signed into law a bill that would require all restaurants to offer Early Bird Specials.

Republicans were extremely upset at the government overreach. “What’s next? Is he going to mandate all TV stations air Matlock at 7pm? This guy is so old!” Texas governor Greg Abbott-R retorted.

The White House claims the “Early Bird Bill” is an effort to get Americans in bed earlier so they can wake up refreshed and ready to start a full day of collecting unemployment.

“Sometimes you just want Moons Over My Hammy at 4pm.” An adviser close to the president exclaimed.

“Listen, I go to bed at 6pm because the early worm is the bird. I mean the worm rises early… I mean. C’mon man! You know the thing!” Biden snapped whilst wearing a comfortable pair of old-timey pajamas and a sipping warm milk. “Now that I’ve signed the bill you can put this on my bill! You know, like the joke with the duck, man. You know the damn joke!” Biden added.

Biden then proudly hoisted up the bill– a dirty Denny’s menu signed in crayon– for all to see. Shortly following the meeting several Secret Service Agents were overheard scolding the president, “Mr. President, drop it! Don’t you dare eat that crayon!”