Los Angeles, CA – As trains across California are being looted by thieves who are on the lookout for Amazon packages, CA Governor Gavin Newsom is working diligently to stop the real problem; the spreading of COVID-19.
Newsom announced his new plan: Get Vaxxed Then Loot Amtraks. Train stations will have tents set up where looters can either show their proof of vaccination or get vaccinated on the spot. Rapid COVID testing will also be available for pregnant women and children under 5.
“Look, we’re experiencing a major uptick of gangs…errr, I mean organized gatherings of peaceful protesters.” Newsom announced. “We, of course, would rather they don’t loot these trains. But if they do we want them to do it as safely as possible.”
When asked what these organized folks were protesting, Newsom responded. “They’re protesting high shipping costs dammit!” He then added angrily, “Not everyone can afford Amazon Prime’s free shipping. Because of our racist system, un-money-ed folks who don’t have access to a bank account are struggling. They have only one option, to dangerously break into cargo trains, leave strewn boxes everywhere and cause derailments. This isn’t their fault! If we don’t make it safer for low-income-cash-adverse-persons to loot, then this isn’t America dammit!”
The conference ended with Newsom apologizing for using triggering words like ‘gangs’, ‘loot’, and ‘Amazon’.
