New York, NY – “Brave! Stunning! Bold!” Feminists from around the world are cheering on men who finally get to objectify women of all sizes after the cover model of Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is revealed to be a plus-size model.
“We’re redefining beauty by boosting body positivity and if you don’t agree you’re a bigot. It’s that simple.” SI editor-in-chief, MJ Day, announced before presenting the new portly cover model. “After a few hours of hair, make-up, lighting, camera angles and airbrushing, THIS is what REAL women look like.”
Day continued: “Our hope is that men will not only ogle women with eating disorders who wear a size 2 but they will now ogle women with eating disorders who wear a size 16.”
“It’s a big step forward to finally see men sneak the Swimsuit Edition into the bathroom to handle business to people who look like me.” A heavy-set woman beamed in between spoonfuls of Häagen-Dazs.
“I used to get really depressed walking by construction sites because nobody ever wolf-whistled at me.” Another plumpie lamented during her type 2 diabetes insulin shots. “But just the other day a stranger told me that I’d be prettier if I smiled. Thanks Sports Illustrated!”
One male Twitter user praised: “I’m excited that a big fat chick is on the cover because I can finally say, my obese wife looks just like a swimsuit model! Oh, wait. I guess since they put anyone on the cover it doesn’t mean anything….Yeah, but still!”
“We want our magazine to be an inspiration to the younger generation.” Day boasted before closing out the presser. “Girls, if you start consuming massive amounts of sugar now, then maybe someday you can be a model. Unless, of course, you’re dead from pediatric obesity.”
