Miami, FL – The Miami state police issued an all-points bulletin to try and locate an insane woman who was last seen at a Miami bar hugging and blowing kisses to people, spreading the highly contagious Omicron variant of COVID-19.
“We know this criminal is not from here.” Miami interim chief Manuel A. Morales announced at a press conference. “We believe she’s from a city that’s enforcing mask mandates, lockdowns and experiencing record amounts of COVID cases. She appears to be lost and seeking freedom. Our main concern is to get her home before she spreads an even more deadly virus called socialism.”
Authorities have warned citizens to take extreme caution and avoid her at all costs. “If she does approach you, the best way to repel her is to wear patriotic clothing or be drinking good ol’ American Budweiser.” Morales added. “Original Budweiser. Not that Bud Seltzer crap.”
As of this report the crazed woman was last seen crossing state lines yelling at random motorists to stop trying to date her. Florida officials are hopeful that she’s New York’s problem now.
