Washington, D.C. – In a fiery speech on gun control, Democrat President Joe Biden called for banning all DeLorean vehicles because, “those suckers can travel through time, man!”
“Hear me out now, chief.” Biden stammered. “The Second Amendment is not absolute. You tell me where it says in the constipation…. No, no no. Not the constipation. The thing, c’mon man! Signed by our Founders. You know the paper! I’d sniff those powdered wigs!” Biden screamed, referring to the Constitution of the United States.
“Listen, we can’t have Corn Pop going back in time to buy cannons and bring ’em back. Common sense assault DeLorean ban. It’s simple math, bub.” He then whispered loudly. “Plutonium… I’m telling you, that sucker is nuclear!”
Biden also proposed outlawing the act of using a recent sports almanac to bet on games that happened in 1955 before reminiscing on his youth: “I remember taking a DeLorean to 1885. It was wild, man. I rescued Doc and Clara from a runaway train using my wits and a hoverboard. Then I kissed my mom. Not my mom. She didn’t know, awww c’mon man!”
As of this report the government has instituted a National DeLorean Buy-Back Program.
