SAN DIEGO, CA – After many suggestions from convention attendees, San Diego Comic Con finally offered free classes and support groups (“Cos Play is OK“) to any nerd that was upset they “couldn’t spend their vacation doing homework.” There were a wide variety of seminars, and we were able to get our hands on an itinerary:
- Room 8B: SELF DEFENSE TECHNIQUES FOR TREKKIE’S
Are you a Star Trek fan who is tired of being harassed because you don’t like JJ Abrams or Chris Pine? Then this is a place for you. ST:TOS and ST:TNG fans welcome. Voyager fans will be mocked and told to leave.
- Room 98: WHY ‘HULK PANTS GROW’, BUT ‘HULK SHIRT DON’T’
… And “Other Utterly Useless Conversations” you can have while waiting for your autograph from Rocco at the Boondock Saints booth*!*(Legally not a booth, but a refrigerator box at a nearby Arby’s.)
- Denny’s Booth 9: INHALERS UP, PANTS DOWN: A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO APPROACHING WOMEN
Learn how to never pay a cover charge again! Because when is the best time to meet women? Closing time! You’ll gain access to a map that shows all of the bars that don’t have parking lot security. This class will be hosted at 2am via Skype by the, recently incarcerated, author of Restraining Orders and You: How to Admire from Afar.
- Hall C, Room 4: PEN YOUR OWN FAN FICTION
TeenWolf-Blitzer? Mac-and-Me-Gyver? Whatever your fan fiction idea, you’ll now have the tools to bring it to life. Finally we’re going to get that Firefly reunion where Malcolm Reynolds has sex with our favorite Dr. Who companion… The TARDIS.
- Room F: 25 DAILY USES FOR YOUR COSPLAY
#25. Fill your friends and family’s social media feeds with constant posts on your new “Pokemon” costume.
#24. Re-purposing your costume to harass tourists on Hollywood Blvd to take a photo with “Bumblebee from Transformers”.
#23. Give dad that final reason to disown you.
…And many more!
- Room 7 of 9:ONLINE GAMING MICROPHONE ETIQUETTE
Remember these simple rules when playing GTA V online:
- Male under age 12? Always use as many racial slurs as possible.
- Male over 30? Make sure to mention how much pot you just smoked, while your baby cries into the microphone.
- Any other demographic? Play mediocre hip hop as loud as possible in the background.
- Main Hall: YOUR GUIDE TO LIVING ALONE
“Batman lived alone, and so do you. By that logic, you’re a superhero!” Tips and other ways to justify your Happy Meal Toy collection at age 45.
The fan’s are really excited about the new additions to the event. “I’m really excited to go out into the world with the confidence to wear my Wookie Pajamas anywhere I want!” said some kid who was being stuffed into a trash can.
