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Ask A Feminist: What’s The Best Valentine’s Day Gift For My ‘Woke’ Significant Other?

DEAR FEMINIST FRANCIS: My partner is aggressively liberal. What’s the perfect gift to show my ‘woke’ lover I care? —TERRIFIED IN TOLEDO

DEAR TERRIFIED: Absolutely nothing! Valentine’s Day was hijacked by capitalist pigs years ago.

The holiday focuses on romance which alienates asexual persons and triggers anxiety riddled loners. The emphasis of outdated gender roles normalizes same sex couples, which is harmful to the LGBTQ+ community.

This horrific day forces women to react positively to a males lame attempt at a grand gesture of antiquated love as not to bruise man’s fragile ego. Thus enforcing patriarchal conditioning that permeates our aggressive culture.

At base level, Valentine’s is about fertility and the promise of offspring, which secures our war mongering society because offspring means citizens and, in case of male offspring, it means soldiers. Which translates to war and the colonization and rape of the exploited masses.

Plus when I was in high school Barry never gave me a Valentine’s card and took Sharon to the Cupid’s Arrow dance when everyone knows that Sharon is a total slut! I hate her so much!!! -Feminist Francis

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