It’s that time of year when you dress up your tiny tot in a costume and force people to tell you how cute your child is. In today’s politically sensitive climate it’s so easy to offend, that’s why we prepared a list of costumes that must be avoided at all costs.
Bumblebee: Forcing bees into honeycomb worker camps showcases our power imbalance in a deeply problematic way that propagates a systematic class system. Bees are a subjugated class and it’s time we fight for their rights. Their struggle is not your costume! I’m also allergic to bees.
Spider: Question…How many spiders have you killed in your lifetime? And how many times have you been brought up on 1st degree murder? Exactly, you heartless serial killer! Leave those 8 legged arachnids alone!
Pokémon: “But how is a game with cute animals offensive?” How about capturing, training and forcing those innocent animals to brutally fight each other to the death! Yikes.
Dog: Domestication of animals is inherently abusive. How would you like it if someone forced you to live inside, feed you, walked you on a leash and cleaned up your poop?
Cuddly Werewolf: Your little tyke has major mood swings so you think this is the right costume. Well, I hope he also likes triggering those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder who hate our fathers!
Crab: Two things: Boiling animals alive is not cool. And reminding those of us who got a sexually transmitted disease from one bad decision in Mexico is extremely triggering.
Milk & Cookies: This one’s a no brainer. Is that milk lactose free, non-dairy or soy? Are those cookies GF and made in a factory that is certified Nut-Free? Are the workers in that factory unionized? You ANIMAL! Get off my porch! No candy for you!
Rainbow: Using your child to virtue signal is wrong unless your child knows the whole alphabet (I’m referring to the LGTBQIA2A+BIPOC alphabet). And I can assure you, your child doesn’t know all the letters…because I just added one today!
Locomotive: Your kid loves Thomas the Tank Engine? Do they also love smog, soot, and other air pollution? Have your child wrap their tiny lips around the exhaust of your Buick whilst you gas it up, then see how they feel about the adorable black tar that billows out of a trains smokestack!
Robot: Hmmmm…forcing someone to do all your hard work for no money at all? Sound like a familiar institution that America was founded on? Another thing, robots are slowly taking over the world. One minute a bag of bolts is taking your order at Taco Bell the next minute your sex robot is getting jealous of your relationship with the vacuum!
