Cupertino, CA – In addition to the new MacBook Pro and the AirPods 3, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced an exciting new product at Apple’s virtual “Unleashed” event called the iRibbon.
“We understand it’s difficult to keep up with the latest social issues.” Tim Cook shared during the keynote. “Not anymore. You’ll now be able to make a positive change by representing every single social justice cause with just one ribbon. Introducing the iRibbon One!”
The crowd cheered as Cook showed off the small lightweight iRibbon.The lead engineer on the project then explained some of the key features.
“We call it Virtue Signal Technology or VTS.” The engineer revealed. “For example, let’s say you show up at a party and you meet an LGBT or Q person, well, our pheromone sensors and smart camera will automatically detect that persons minority status and change your ribbon color accordingly to show your solidarity to their struggle.”
“We also want older folks to live life without the fear of being cancelled by their loved ones.” Cook interjected. “Each iRibbon is equipped with Siri and our new Woke Boomer tech. The always-on feature detects racist and homophobic comments made by grandpa then immediately re-educates him via a tiny speaker.”
“This is a game changer!” An Apple Fanboy beamed. “First it was Black Lives Matter then Asian Lives Matter and now Haitian Lives Matter,” he added, “I can finally keep up with whatever oppressed minority group is trending and be a hero for bringing awareness!”
Apple confirmed that with daily updates the iRibbon will eventually represent every single social issue in the world and “by then all of our problems will be solved.”
