Chicago, IL – Jussie Smollett, the embattled Empire actor who was found guilty of staging a hate crime, confirmed that he’s finally had a good 10 hours of sleep knowing his attacker is now firmly behind bars.
“I’ve never slept so good! Is this a Tempur-Pedic?!” Smollett rehotorically exclaimed to a prison guard. “Just knowing the man who doused me with bleach and hung a noose around my neck was found guilty lets me know our justice system works!”
The prison guard was heard telling Smollett to keep it down and finish his prison snack. “This bread better be gluten free.” Smollett demanded. “My attacker has celiac disease!”
Netflix has already signed Smollett to make a movie about his ordeal in which he will play himself and the homophobic man who assaulted him. “I’m a method actor,” Smollett said in regards to this new role. “So I plan on spending the next few months in prison with this right-wing racist to truly embody the character.”
