JAWS: MATRIARCHY – In this updated version the man-eating shark terrorizing the beach will be replaced by a patriarchal glass ceiling terrorizing women from getting paid the same as men. Stay off the beach…until women are treated equal!
FAST & FURIOUS: HER TIME – This all female cast proves once and for all that girls can kick ass and race cars just like men. In the reboot the ladies take on their biggest challenge ever; parallel parking while putting on lipstick!
A CHARLES MANSON MOVIE – Charles Manson will finally be played by a Filipino heavy-set blind little person in a wheelchair. Because we’re sick and tired of seeing cis-gendered white men always portray serial killers.
JURASSIC PARK: GENDER NON-SPECIFIC – In 1993, the world was amazed by two things; the mind-blowing CGI dinosaurs in Jurassic Park and how cool Steve Urkel was as Stefan Urquelle. Don’t forget that the misogynistic director of Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg, forced his opinion that all dinosaurs were FEMALE, instead of letting them choose their own identities. Disgusting. The 2022 remake will also remove out-dated dialogue like “…Clever girl”, and will instead welcome the much more inclusive “…Clever they/them“.
AMERICAN PIE: I’M SORRY – The original movie was about hilariously losing your virginity. In the updated version, instead of the boys trying to get laid, they’ll each pen an apology to all females for being sexist jerks who objectify women.
MAGIC MIKE: DANCE HARDER: This reboot will feature shirtless, hunky men shaking their six-packs to ogling women. Because there’s nothing wrong with women objectifying men you sexist jerk.
SOME LIKE IT HOT: In 1953 people thought it was funny for men to dress up and act like women. Today we know much better. Slated for late 2022, Tom Hanks and Christoph Waltz are currently undergoing gender reassignment surgery to better represent their characters. It was also suggested that both Hanks and Waltz learn to play the bass fiddle and saxophone, respectively. However it turns out, since they are actors they can simply pretend to play musical instruments.
BLAZING SADDLES: The Mel Brooks film is a classic and it’s about time it gets the reboot treatment. It wonderfully satirizes society, film, and humanity. It even successfully used the N-word in a hilarious—-um, never mind.
THE NANNY: In this new reboot The Nanny is now a career driven woman who doesn’t need a man or kids to define her! We follow her life as she works all day in the office and then quietly drives home late at night listening to NPR to her empty 4 bedroom house. Queue laugh track!
DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D.: Disney recently rebooted this show as Doogie Kameāloha, M.D. but it’s not woke enough! This new and improved reboot of the reboot will be called Doogie LGBTQ+, M.D. and this doctor is non-binary BIPOC who identifies as an aphid. Episodes will center around “they” protesting the sexist high school prom and re-educating boomer patients with facts like; Weighing over 600 pounds is healthy and men can get pregnant.
FORENSIC FILES: LADIES NIGHT – This new take on a classic will celebrate those often ignored cases when women murdered men instead of the other way around. These inclusive episodes will end with experts agreeing that the men got what they deserved and were probably asking for it. Finally a crime show with a happy ending!