Silicon Valley, CA – Apple unveiled new features to its iPhone 13 in an effort to be more inclusive at their recent 2021 Keynote streaming event.
“We are allies to the neurodiverse marginalized, intersectional groups that foster emotionally equity… And all those other buzzwords that might get us some headlines.” Apple CEO, Tim Cook, announced on stage. “So, today we’re proud to a new feature. Siri will now use your preferred pronouns!”
The cheering crowd was quickly silenced by a woman who suffered from auditory sensitivity. “People! Loud clapping triggers me. Please use jazz hands!!!” The blue haired woman screamed.
“In addition, Apple Maps now has a new feature called iSafe Spaces.” Cook continued. “If your iPhone detects someone discussing an opposing viewpoint, the Maps app will quickly navigate you to a safe area with like-minded, tolerant people.”
The much rumored software Operation Snowflake will finally be released after Apple licensed Always-Listening-Even-When-Your-Phone-Is-Off tech from the Chinese government.
Cook assured the crowd that Safe Spaces will only work with with progressive views, as there is not a demand for conservatives who “like to argue with everyone and use Android phones.”
